A Hundred Funny Facebook Status Messages for You

Funny Facebook Status

Sharing your thoughts on Facebook is as simple as saying them out loud and using a funny Facebook status is surely to give your friends some amusement. However, not everyone is born funny. So, if you need some help coming up with a funny Facebook status, you’ve come to the right place because we have a whole collection of them.

All the Funny Facebook Status Messages You Can Use

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  • “Oh wow, it’s a fruit cake! I’m going to eat some of it right now”, said no one ever.
  • “We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants…” – me explaining underwear to aliens.
  • A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
  • A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
  • A communist joke isn’t funny unless everyone gets it.
  • A friend of mine asked what it’s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer … That’s all.
  • Baby gates are parent’s way of saying “this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience.”
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

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  • Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
  • Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake its birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
  • Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let’s just keep it in the carton, ok?
  • Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
  • Consumer confidence is at an all-time high, and so am I.
  • Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don’t care
  • Dear Google, please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting?
  • Dear life, when I said “can my day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  • Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  • During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays and spending it with the relatives.
  • Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
  • Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
  • For all you who think I’m not worth much, I’ll have you know I have many great qualities or as my therapist calls them “symptoms”.
  • He is so fake that he should have two Facebook accounts; one for each face!
  • Hi, I’m James, let’s bond.
  • I bet a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?” now!
  • I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It’s useful for converting ordinary Phillip’s screws into non removable screws.
  • I don’t judge people, I just laugh at them.
  • I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
  • I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.

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  • I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.
  • I joined a new gym yesterday. I did 3 sets of selfies on each machine.
  • I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become.
  • I look at people sometimes and think… Really?? That’s the sperm that won?
  • I love Facebook. It’s the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.
  • I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
  • I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III solely because we enjoy trilogies.
  • I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.
  • I want to change my name on Facebook to No One so when I try to add people, it will say, No One wants to be your friend.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction “Now chill in fridge for at least two hours”. I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
  • I’m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra Tupperware lid.
  • I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  • I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
  • I’m going to stand outside… If anyone asks, I’m outstanding…
  • I’m in a relationship with sleep and I get some every night… and if I’m lucky I get some during the day.
  • I’m reaching the point where I really hope it’s not possible to be annoyed to death.
  • If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
  • If people don’t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you’re doing something wrong.
  • If something’s not going right, try left.
  • If we aren’t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
  • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
  • If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
  • If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.
  • If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it’s always perfume.
  • Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
  • It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they’ve beat you to it!
  • It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly.
  • It was so cold that when we milked the cows we got ice cream.
  • It’s just a matter of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms.
  • Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
  • Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
  • Like a stoned man once said, I can’t remember.
  • Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
  • Men, we failed, we just can never understand the woman’s logic, so give up trying, nod your head, and say thank you for still loving us anyway.
  • My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
  • My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.
  • My new year’s resolution is to try to actually finish someth
  • My wife’s new cooking show will be called, “Do you smell Something Burning?”
  • One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: “What the hell happened to the roof?”
  • Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.

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  • Relationship Status: COMING SOON.
  • Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
  • Some days I wish I had a rewind button.
  • Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can’t be with them for the holidays. But don’t be jealous.
  • Sometimes at the gym Ill struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and other times I just let her sleep
  • Sometimes you can just tell it’s going to be a “Does not play well with others” kind of day.
  • That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.
  • That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall – yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
  • The best memories come from bad ideas.
  • The first computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve. It was an Apple but with very limited memory. Only 1 byte. Then everything crashed.
  • The longer the title the less important the job.
  • There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
  • There’s a fine line between Courage and Stupidity… Can you tell the difference? Apparently not…
  • Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
  • Tonight… I’m drinking until I’m someone else’s problem!
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
  • When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
  • When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising….
  • When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…
  • When your Dr. says “I’ll need to Google that”… It’s time to change doctors.
  • Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.
  • Whenever someone says they did something, “like a boss”, I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
  • Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
  • Wife: I’m pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
  • Wonder what type of nonsense I can expect in my dreams tonight…
  • Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
  • You bring everyone a lot of joy … when you leave the room.
  • Your arrival was fantastic, now let me see your departure!

There you have it, a hundred funny Facebook status messages you can pick and choose from. No one can accuse your profile of being boring any more!

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